On Friday the government announced proposals for a new ‘leg levy’ to be placed on cyclists over the age of 16. Treasury Spokesperson Lira Coves, MP for Marblemarsh-on-Twee provided her statement before a packed House.
“Currently cyclists avoid all attempts by HMRC to obtain revenues in respect of their use of public facilities. To that end, the coalition government is introducing a ‘leg levy’ to restore some much needed balance and provide the capital so desperately needed to fund road expansion for the benefit of all. The government therefore proposes a simple system that evades the bureaucracy so needlessly introduced by the last government, providing easy opportunities for cyclists to pay. For every mile cycled, cyclists will pay a leg levy of £0.05 per mile whilst travelling less than 14 mph, £0.06 per mile for 15-18mph and £0.07 per mile for anything over 18mph. These recordings will be captured by a chip inserted in the earlobe, that communicates with a Bluetooth transponder in the wheel. These will be very reasonably priced at £99. At financial year-end, Cyclists may then fill in a self-assessment form which must be completed within a 2 hour window from 1am to 3am on the 1st of April.”
After providing details of the exciting business opportunity afforded by the new recording hardware (a contract shortly to be presented before a broad swathe of ex-Etonians over lunch), She went on:
“The fiscal advantage is the tip of the iceberg, one that is melting under the relentless onset of climate change. The staggering contribution made by cyclists to carbon emissions is oft overlooked by the general public, whilst cyclists cling forlornly to the floating wreckage of their sinking ‘green’ claims. The short leg hairs on a cyclist at best, only trap approximately 24.675% of the heat generated – tax free I may add – by their spinning legs. This heat then dissipates and is trapped within our greenhouse climate. ‘Racers’ and ‘sportive riders’ exascerbate the issue further by shaving, which ensures that ALL the heat is released to atmosphere. On average 3 species of mollusc, 4 flowering plants and a moderately sized rodent will become extinct each and every day, unless something is done about these transport maverics”.
An opposition spokesperson indicated that the claims were both ‘ill-founded” and “hard to prove”, adding; “it seems once again, that the bill won’t be the only thing settled over lunch”. The opposition party’s position on the issue was quietly ignored.